The Day a Purple Teddy Bear Throws Up On My Charms Homework
by The-Smart-Cookie231
Summary: 'Fat chance.' I say defiantly. 'The day I go out with Black is the day a purple teddy bear throws up on my Charms homework.' Why did I say that? Of course Sirius went and got me The Bear. Evil thing. But the thing is, this story's not about evil purple bears. It's about him. And me. Shudder. How did THAT happen?
1. Why I Hate You

**DISCLAIMER: **No I don't own Harry Potter. I'm honoured that you ever thought I did.

A/N: OK, if anyone was reading Rose Weasley, I'm sorry for starting a new fanfiction in the middle of making another one, but I got writers block, and I just can't write. Not forever. But for now. So I'm taking a soothing break and writing... Da dan da dan da dan! THIS! Read on! Please review, I need constructive criticism! I'm still new!

I stumble down the Hogwarts Express, my arms heaped with books, my trunk floating behind me. I peer out from behind the towering pile and look desperately around for a compartment. Finding one, I burst in and plop my books on the floor.

Combing a hand through my poker-straight ebony hair, I glance around.

My eyes are drawn to a dark corner. There is someone in there. I let out a small shriek.

The person crosses their arms and starts to laugh. Swearing under my breath in a most unladylike way, I glare at Sirius Black.

He and I used to be friends. Best friends. I met him when I was six, at one of my parent's parties.

Flashback

_I shuffled around the packed ball room, thanking everybody for coming and trying to keep the bored-out-of-my-mind expression from showing. _

_My mother, a brunette girl with a happy-go-lucky attitude, skipped through the crowd towards me, twirling her wand, a big smile on her sweet features. _

_I groaned loudly and started sneaking away. I was in no mood to deal with my mother's bubble headedness. _

_Dodging behind a tapestry, I breathed a sigh of relief and started picking at the hideous pink and white frilly dress my mother had forced me into. _

_I heard a cough behind me. Turning around, I saw another boy, also about six years old, looking curiously at me. He had dark hair and eyes, and was rather nice-looking. So I cleared my throat and deadpanned. 'Welcome-to-the-party-I-am-Katie-May-Christie-Leah-Emily-McNoughton-heiress-to-the- McNoughton-fortune-thank-you-very-much-for-coming-refreshments-are-over-there-I-hope-you-have-a-nice-time-my-parents-are... I don't care.' I crossed my arms. _

_The boy burst out laughing. 'I don't care where my parents are either. Sirius Orion Black, nice to meet you.'_

End Flashback

And we had an immediate connection. I saw him at other balls, and sometimes his parents held balls, and we became best friends. We shared a disdain for pureblood ideals, we howled with laughter as our fathers tried to outdo each other with tales of how much money they'd donated to the Ministry of Magic, and we cried together when my mother killed my rosebush during a weekly inspection of my room, calling it dirty, and when Mrs Black got rid of Sirius' hamster when it pooped on her bed.

We started Hogwarts, and everything changed. Sirius started hanging out with a group of boys, and I made friends with Lily Evans, Marlene McKinnon and Alice Prewett, and we parted ways.

When he started dating girls, I realised I had feelings for him, but they were soon crushed as I saw how he treated them.

By then I was the petite, studious, practically invisible girl of the fifth-year Gryffindor girls, who never shrieked over dresses, shoes and boys and just happened to be an heiress to one of the richest families in the country. And Black had a different girl every week, too many broom cupboard snogs to count.

So when he asked me at breakfast, smiling flirtatiously, I thought I would explode. He ignored me for years, and then suddenly he wanted to get a couple of snogs off me. Of course I said no. No, I didn't want heartbreak; no I didn't want to be showed off like a trophy, a conquest, and the discarded carelessly to be ignored forever.

And so he, of course, stormed off in a huff. For months after that, he and some girl would materialise in front of me when I was walking to class and start a violent make-out session. I wasn't jealous. I was traumatized. I would scream and go 'EWWWWWW! PDA!'

The train starts. I trip with the movement and manage to 'accidentally' punch Black on the face. After he's run out yelling 'MY NOSE! MY PERFECT, HANDSOME NOSE!' I go searching for my best friend, Lily.

She finds me. I am attacked from behind by a hyper tornado of red hair. Lily throws her arms around me and starts squealing excitedly about numerous things, while smothering me with her bright hair.

I laugh, feeling happier than I have in ages, as she drags me off to find Marlene McKinnon and Alice Prewett, our other friends. When we find them, all of us chattering about our holidays, we go back to my compartment.

I met Lily when I was in first year. I was desperate to show everyone that I wasn't just famous heiress Katie-May McNoughton, but a clever person as well. Lily was the first person who I actually trusted was not my friend for my money. She was a muggle born, and didn't care about rich magical families. She was also studious and rule-abiding, qualities that reflected in me. We soon became close friends, and I introduced her to some girls I'd met on the Hogwarts Express.

So we wound our way through the years, an inseparable foursome, always looking out for each other, and I felt the happiest I'd ever been, hanging around with my best friends, no pressure from my parents.

'Katie-May!' Alice says, breaking me out of my thoughts. 'Katie, didn't you hear? Frank asked me out this holidays! Remember I told you, I was going to Italy with him and his parents? He asked me while we were climbing through the ruins of Pompeii, isn't that _romantic!_'

'Yes, very romantic.' I respond wryly. 'A date underneath the stars in the ruins of a city where about two thousand people died.' I smile sweetly.

Alice sighs loudly and nudges me. 'I'm going to ignore that.' she says.

Marlene looks up from her magazine. 'Good catch Alice. Frank's cute.' She flicks stray locks of curly blonde hair away from her face and blinks her big blue eyes.

'Saw Black on the train.' I interrupt.

Lily looks up. 'Was the wanker bullying a first year?'

I shake my head and continue. 'He was laughing, so I punched him in the face.'

Alice shakes her head, her dark blonde hair swinging in its wavy curtain. 'Katie, violence is never the answer.'

I grin at her self righteousness.

'Is with Black. The only way to get into his thick skull is by punching my way in.'

Marlene squints at me, trying to stop smiling.

You can't hate Black forever, Katie. You'll succumb to his charm soon, like every other girl in this school.'

I snort and cross my arms.

'Fat chance.' I say defiantly. 'The day I go out with Black is the day a purple teddy bear throws up on my Charms homework.'


	2. The Evil Bear

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Harry Potter

A/N: The second chapter is officially OPEN!

'Hi Katie. Did it hurt?'

'WHO'VE YOU BEEN TALKING TO? IT'S NOT TRUE! I DENY EVERYTHING! I DON'T EVEN KNOW A THOMAS CLARK!'

'Uh, I'll ignore that. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?'

'_Oh. _Well then, piss off Black.'

'That's not very friendly. I thought the McNoughtons were known for kindness and charity.'

'Yeah, _you _would know. I'm an exception, get lost.'

'What's that supposed to mean? I was _trying _to be nice. I wanted to ask you something.'

'_What?' _

'There's the prefect's Christmas ball in a few weeks.'

'I know.'

'Well I wanted to know if you would – '

'No freaking way.'

'But aren't you friends with Lily?'

'Of course, what does that have to do with anything?'

'James asked me to ask you if you can ask Lily to the Christmas ball for him.'

'Why should I? Lily's my best friend, I'd never do that to her.'

'Your best friend told me that when a purple teddy bear threw up on your Charms homework you'd go out with me.'

'LILY!'

'Don't worry Katie darling, I'm working on the teddy bear.'

'Piss off.'

'My question?'

'Fine.'

'Really?'

'Fine.'

'Great.'

_'_Get lost.'

'See you.'

Black lopes off, his dark hair falling into his eyes. I glare furiously after him. Maybe I feel a tiny bit disappointed that he wasn't asking me to the ball. Um... I mean that _git! _I commence snapping quills and throwing them into the common room fire, ignoring frightened looks from nearby first years.

I lie back on a couch in the Gryffindor common room with Alice, who is helping me with my Herbology homework.

I knew I was back at Hogwarts when the PDA sessions started this morning.

No, I'm not jealous! Why would I be jealous?

Alice is giving me an odd look.

'Katie, _why _are you ripping up your Herbology notes?' she wants to know.

I smile, and try to ignore the scene in front of me.

'I'm not.'

'You are.' Alice tugs the unfortunate notes from me, which means I have no distraction from...

Good _lord, _can you actually do that with a lamp shade? Wouldn't that _hurt? _Oh come on, that has to be _illegal! _What the _hell, _what in God's nameare they doing now – AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! SOMEBODY BURN OUT MY EYES! OH GOD! I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE! GROSS, GROSS, GROSS, GROOOOOSSS!

Alice pulls a face as she glances over at the crime against nature going at it in a corner.

'C'mon Katie, I have to get those images out of my head. Let's go up to the dorm.' she says.

I nod weakly and we stumble up the staircase with our eyes tightly shut. Bursting into the dormitory, I bury my face in a pillow and scream. Lily peers over at me.

'What happened?'

'Black and Isobel Larson are doing wrong and disturbing things in the common room, crushing first year innocence.' Alice tells her, leaning against the bed post. 'Katie and I didn't want to bear witness, so we left.'

I glance up at Lily and remember what Black told me.

'Uh, Lily, will you go to the Christmas ball with Potter?' I ask politely, bracing myself.

Lily reacts immediately.

'WHAT?' she shouts. 'I WOULD RATHER GO WITH THE GIANT SQUID! IF HE THINKS HE CAN GET A DATE WITH ME THROUGH MY FRIENDS, HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND! THAT ARROGANT, PUFFED-UP, IDIOTIC BERK!'

She pauses from ranting and looks at me.

'Tell Potter no.'

I sigh and nod. Well, that answer was very predictable.

I jump up and slide down the girl's staircase's banister. Arriving in the common room, I tap Black on the shoulder. 'The answer no.' I tell him, and then saunter off.

I am making my dignified exit when I face plant on some third year's feet. Now I know the true meaning of losing your dignity.

I hear Black laugh, and then he offers me his hand. I must be having a brain spaz, because I take the hand and let him help me up. WHY DID I DO THAT? Now he'll think I like him or something, the OPPISITE of the message I'm trying to convey.

Black reaches for something behind his back. With a flourish, he pulls out...

A purple teddy bear. Which is alive. And is making retching noises. I scream. A long, loud, girlish shriek of terror, because this purple monstrosity is giving me the evil eye.

Black presents it to me with a bright smile.

'I made her!' he says proudly. 'Remember, I said I would?'

I gingerly clasp the bear and smile weakly.

'Yeah, very nice. Thanks for the thought?'

Black frowns slightly. 'So, she'll throw up when she comes near your homework, Remus helped me with that bit, so all you got to do is give her your Charms homework, and then you can go out with me!'

I stare at him. Is this still about me turning him down?

'Will I really hurt your feelings if I burn it?' I try.

'Yup.'

'Damage in anyway?'

'Uh-huh.'

'Give away?'

'Sure.'

'Oh God, fine, I'll keep it.'

Black grins happily and pats me on the butt. I slap his hand away and stomp upstairs.

Stuffing the deranged bear under my bed, I grumpily throw myself onto my bed, only half-listening to the conversation going on between Lily, Marlene and Alice.

I hear a cough behind me, and turn horror struck to find The Bear sitting next to a pool of sick and my recently finished Herbology essay, now ruined.

'AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!' I yell at The Bear that has officially ruined my life, and throw a pillow at it. Why me?

Marlene looks over, alarmed. When she sees The Bear, she screams like I did and points, causing Lily and Alice to join the cacophony of shrieks. I start screaming because I am so tired of The Bear already, and The Bear starts this horrible yowling-sick cat noise because I guess it feels left out.

I really hate Sirius Black.


	3. The EVILER Hufflepuff

**DISCLAIMER: **Has anybody ever wondered why a disclaimer is called a disclaimer? It could be a disgrassinator, or a unsoftator... see, this is how you know I don't own Harry Potter. I'm wasting away the hours with my musings about disclaimers.

A/N: So, I haven't updated in the LONGEST time, and I haven't updated Rose Weasley for even LONGER, and please withhold your pitchforks and torches, because this chapter is SHORT! But don't worry, because a BIG LONG DRAMATIC chapter is coming straight after, just for you! Oh and by the way, this Amanda Jordan I talk about is a Hufflepuff gone BAD! SHE'S GOING TO THE DARK SIDE PEOPLE! THEY'RE THE ONES WITH COOKIES, AND I LOVE COOKIES!

At breakfast the next morning, I amuse myself with stabbing my sausages violently. I am... a heroine of WWII, fighting the enemy planes with my advanced new weapon, _The Fork! _Even better, I am saving the female population by doing away with the culprit that has done them so much harm and trauma! Black is _such_ a sausage face.

Alice shakes me from my daydream, that is _nightmare,_ by shoving The Bear onto the table and cooing on about how sweet and thoughtful it was of Black to give me The Bear. 'Hey Alice, the sweet thing to do would be to at least make sure The Bear didn't _throw up _ on my precious Herbology essay!' I growl. 'Black _knows _how awful I am at it! This is some mean prank! Well I won't stand for it! BLACK! BLAAAACK! COME HERE SO I CAN CASTRATE YOU!'

Black looks over casually from where he's sitting with his Slut of The Week, and whispers something in her ear, causing both of them to laugh rather loudly.

I flush bright pink and turn around, ducking my head, seething with anger. How dare he? He gives me that bear, so he can go out with me and say he's conquered every girl, but in the meantime he messes around with sluts like Amanda Jordan cuddling up to him.

I'll show him.

I jump up and march over to Amanda, currently snuggling up to Black. All of my shyness has DISAPPEARED! Whipping out my wand, I point it at Amanda's face. Her cronies gasp and clutch each other. Black merely raises his eyebrows at me and smirks.

I clench my fist over the bumpy surface of my ash wand and struggle with my volatile temper.

Amanda, the ditz, hasn't even noticed my anger or my wand and is chewing on Black's school tie.

I screw my face up in disgust.

'Furnculus!' I yell, brandishing my wand in a circular motion. Amanda's perfect heart-shaped face bursts out in awful boils and she screams. Then she looks at me and her face is twisted with loathing. She pulls out her own wand and...

Pain. Awful pain, and I'm writhing on the floor, and Amanda is standing over me. I think I'm screaming, probably pretty loud, but I can't hear, because all I can feel is the indescribable pain. Nobody is coming to the rescue. I briefly see Lily, Marlene and Alice fighting tooth and nail to get past Amanda's friends, but they aren't coming.

_I need to die..._

I can't.

_All the pain will be gone..._

No! What about The Bear?

_You hate that bear anyway..._

Well...

_This isn't about Sirius, is it? He isn't coming. Nobody is. You're all alone..._

No...

_Sirius doesn't care. Your friends don't care. Where are they now, when you need them?_

Sirius does care... he did care, all this time.

_How can you be sure?_

I'm not.

_Exactly. I'm always right._

SHUT UP!

A/N: You were probably wondering about Katie's dramatic change of heart just here. I'll explain. She's remembering what good friends her and Sirius used to be, and she's realising that maybe he does still care. ALL WILL SOON BE REVEALED!


	4. The Hospital Wing, and My Stupid Mother

**Disclaimer: **I disclaim! Disclaim with me!

A/N: A new chapter! Many thanks to my first reviewer, Kaylee13133! You set a wonderful example to all the other readers! This chapter has some serious parts, more serious then funny, but we have Katie with her dry humour to save the day! Oh, and for the nimrods, Estelle is Katie's mother. Another thing: Katie's family is like the Blacks, very pro-Voldemort, which is why Estelle mentions Dolohov's sister and Yaxley's sister in her letter. Estelle means well, and she isn't a truly bad character, just doing what she thinks is right. Her head has been filled with lies, and she believes all the tales of vicious muggles put in her impressionable head by her ruthless husband. Just thought I'd clear that up.

My eyelids crack open. There is a dark shape hovering above me, and I try to scream, but I can't. The pain is gone. Am I dead? That was what my consciousness wanted. There you are consciousness. But I can hear voices. Lily's worried tones flood into my ears. Alice, a light blob next to her, is crying. Marlene is yelling. I can hear her, loud and clearly now.

'HOW DARE YOU STAY HERE? I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ALL THIS PAST MONTH TO GET OUT, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE HERE, TO LOOK AT HER!'

The dark blob is Black. Or Sirius.

I let out a soft sigh and in an instant all my visitors are crowded around me. A big warm comforting hand finds my small one and encloses it. I open my eyes. Marlene, pale and angry, her curly blonde hair haphazardly pulled into a bun, is leaning over my bed. Alice is wiping tears hurriedly out of her blue eyes and trying to smile. Lily's dark red hair is going every which way, and there are dark circles under her eyes. But Sirius looks perfect. As usual. And for some reason this makes me annoyed.

'What happened?' I manage.

The hold on my hand gets tighter. I think my blood stream is being cut off.

'I-I-I never thought Amanda would do that.' mumbles Sirius, and I realise he's the one holding my hand in the death lock. From my limited knowledge of medical stuff, I take a guesstimate that my hand will turn black and drop off. How attractive.

'You better pick your girlfriends better next time Black,' Marlene hisses like an angry cat.

Sirius glares at her.

'She just exploded, Katie. She completely overreacted, using an Unforgiveable, she's been given a warning, and she got off with only a month of detentions, which is less then she deserves. But why the hell did you curse her in the first place?' Sirius is looking steadily at me now, and I shift uncomfortably underneath his gaze. No, I'm not embarrassed because I completely blew up out of jealousy! I wasn't jealous! I was merely mad that Sirius was destroying the vista with his canoodling.

Lily saves me.

'It's none of your business.' She hisses, her eyes shooting fire. I wish. All my problems would be incinerated.

This whole situation would probably have been very grave and serious, but just then Remus, James and Peter burst through the door and come bounding over.

Sirius lets go of my hand abruptly and childishly pours a glass of water on my face.

'Katie?'

'Katie?'

'Katie come on.'

'Katie please listen.'

'Katie, stop sulking. Black is sorry... I think.'

'KATIE-MAY CHRISTIE LEAH EMILY McNOUGHTON!'

I sit in a corner of my room in a pretzel position, sulking. It isn't childish. Black's the child. Who pours a glass of _freezing water _onto somebody's head when their recovering from an Unforgivable curse?

Nobody.

I'll come out. Eventually. When I've gotten over the fact that Black also afterwards started up the PDA sessions as well. He knows that gets right under my skin.

Amanda has been shooting me evil looks in the halls, so I stuck with Marlene and Lily, the fearsome females with awful tempers, and their fierceness protected me from Amanda's evil Hufflepuff-ness. I thought Hufflepuffs were NICE?

But I am one-upping Black and his girlfriends. I got Alice to set me up on a blind date this Hogsmeade weekend, a muggle thing, basically meaning I have no idea in hell who I'm going out with. All Alice does when I ask is giggle and say 'He's really cute,' and that doesn't tell me anything. Is there a brain under the cuteness?

I think she's told Lily and Marlene, because they keep looking at me and laughing. Of course, that might be because Black drew on my face with a marker and now I have porn images on my cheeks. He SAID he was drawing a butterfly. I am so gullible.

So that is part of the reason I am sulking in my room. But for the most part, it is because of a letter my mother sent me a few days ago. She really writes most ridiculously.

_- hope you are having a wonderful time with all the little friends I picked out for you. Have you been playing with Samantha Yaxley and Miranda Dolohov? I hope you have dropped that silly friendship with the red headed mudblood. Make the McNoughtons proud, sweet cheeks. Although I have to voice my disappointment over the fact that you are not a Ravenclaw like me, or a Slytherin like your father, I must warn you to keep good relations with the youngest Black boy. Your father and I find him a suitable candidate for your hand in marriage, preferably the next holidays so you can marry while still young. We are holding an engagement ball this Christmas holidays. Of course it is mandatory that you attend, with the Regulus as your date. On the other hand, please refrain from making any relations with the eldest Black boy. As he is disowned from his family, and a Gryffindor mudblood-lover, you must cut off any friendship you may have with him quickly. _

_Sincerely,_

_Estelle Chantelle Isabelle McNoughton, Duchess of West Chester_

How ridiculous. Isn't Estelle just awful? Calling Lily a mudblood, demanding that I cast off my friends to keep in with the daughters and sisters of deatheaters, announcing my marriage to _Regulus Black! _

It's embarrassing, more than anything else.

'Katie?'

Oh no.

'Hey Katie, Marlene told me you were sulking in your bedroom.'

_Did _she just?

'Listen, will you talk to me? I know you know I'm here.'

Oh the tragedy. My cover has been blown.

I whip round.

'What?' I snap with as much dislike as I can muster.

Black looks offended. 'She also showed me the most interesting letter.' He holds up my mothers letter, with its awful fluro blue seal and the dancing cat. Designed by my mother.

My heart freezes, and I go into cardiac arrest.

'She talks about the Blacks a lot, doesn't she?'

He's laughing, I can see it.

'Piss off.'

'It seems that you're going get married to dear old Reggie.'

The cardiac arrest must be spreading to my brain, because I suddenly collapse in on myself and become a sobbing heap, because now everyone knows what awful parents I have. And I have an awful mix of snot and tears on my face, and I most likely look utterly repulsive, but Black doesn't care. He grins and holds out Quidditch toned arms, nice arms really, probably much nicer then Regulus's. And I fall into them, because as I said before, I went into cardiac arrest of the brain.

'Help me.' I sob. I don't want to ask for help, I really don't but things are spinning out of control. And Black, being a nice guy really, whispers 'Yes.'


	5. Dumb Authors Note

Hello everyone, Smart Cookie here! Sorry about the huge gap between chapters, and even more sorry that this isn't a chapter. This month's been a bitch, so much sun, and I'm all sunburnt. Attractive! Salmon pink person limping around scaring innocent wearers of sunscreen Although I'm not half as bad compared to some of my favourite authors on the fandom who WILL NOT UPDATE, and haven't in like 2 years. I know what it's like to have to wait for chapters, that's all I'm saying. You guys will have to wait until November. Or December. Maybe January. Might squeeze February. But I solemnly promise to post at least two chapters by Christmas. I'll make it my New Year's resolution ;)

Smart Cookie


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